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April 1, 2006

The mailbag was "neglected" by the regular bunch. As such, we found some stand-ins to answer the current bunch of questions.

I don't have my instruction book anymore. Can anyone tell me which multiplayer option SMB3 requires? Can you download it from one player to another or do you each have to have a GamePak?

- Doug Breon

Fred The Spanyard Did you know I was a secret character in SMB3? It's true. Ask Jay.

Bill The Extra Guy Did you know Fred was a secret character in SMB3? Actually, he isn't. He just says that to impress girls. And he paid Jay off to validate his lame story.

Dr. Donez I lost the instructions to my refrigerator once. They fell into the refrigerator and I don't know how to open it to get them out. Oh, the irony! Actually, that never happened before. I just made up that story in order to make you feel better.

Prof. Executrain So, Mr. Breon, IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME! You dare question me, the great Prof. Executrain!? Begone from my sight! I have no time to answer your meaningless questions!

Captain Churro I can!

I just bought a NES with some games off ebay. I have an older big screen tv and that is hooked up to a Direct TV box that is linked via a S-video cable and I also have a dvd player hooked up to the tv. The only thing I can get the NES to do is blink on and off with a blue screen. I am trying to use the standard rca patch cord to no avail.

- Doc Smiff

Fred The Spanyard So...what's the problem. Sounds like it's working to me.

Bill The Extra Guy Sounds like you got hosed.

Dr. Donez So when you linked up the NES through the Direct TV box to the S-video cable from your RCA Patch Cord, did you install the DFG Chip from your XSF Database??? HUH??? DID YOU??? WHY NOT??? Everyone knows that! Oh no! Don't tell me that you also forgot to hook up the TRF Expansion to the LKJ Cord!!! You didn't!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW!!!!!! YOUR NES IS GOING TO EXPLODE!!!!!!!

Prof. Executrain So, Mr. Smiff, IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME! It sounds like to more that you've been SCREWED by E-BAY! HAHAHAHAHA! Someone sold you a defective NES, YOU FOOL! And you know what...? THAT SOMEONE WAS ME! HAHAHAHA! I'm now going to go spend the money you sent me on GUM and QUARTERS to spend at the local arcades and play Street Fighter 2: Turbo NONSTOP! WITH YOUR MONEY! SUCKER! HAHAHA!

Captain Churro I love that game, the Flashing Blue Screen Game. My high score is 3.

My name is Bill Vallely, and I wrote several of the Super Mario Brother's comics you've reviewed.

I have to admit, I'm amazed that people are still reading them. Thank you so much for the kind words.

- Bill Vallely

Fred The Spanyard Huh?

Bill The Extra Guy Who are you again?

Dr. Donez Wait a're not the REAL Bill Vallely! YOU'RE AN ANDROID FROM THE GALAXIA PLANET! COME TO TAKE OVER THE EARTH! Well, I won't let you do that, Mr. Vallely, or should I say, Master Roboticoid! You'll take over the world with your Evil Space Hobbit Guns over MY dead body! FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Prof. Executrain So, Mr. Vallely, IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME! Um... I love your comics. I read them every night. Will you...marry me???

Captain Churro I like the one where Marion gets hurt.

Is Super Mario available as a PC game?

- Stacey Sharpelletti

Fred The Spanyard Sure, knock yourself out.

Bill The Extra Guy Um.......... Why are you asking me this???

Dr. Donez The short answer, is no. But the shorter answer, is n. And the long answer, is nope. And the longer answer, is nadda. And the confusing answer, is pie. And the mathematical answer, is 3.14159. And the contradictory answer, is YES! GO BUY IT NOW!!!

Prof. Executrain So, Ms. Sharpelletti, IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME! Um... Bill Vallely shot me down. I'm looking for a rebound fling. Will you...marry me??? Please??? I'll let you rule the world with me!

Captain Churro I have a PC. I use it to microwave my Hot Pockets.

Just bought a nintendo. Am trying to remember the name of the mario game that you moved him from world to world on the background of a big sand dune. Can you help?


Fred The Spanyard That game is called Super Mario Sand Dune. It's available on the Neo Geo. I'm 100% sure.

Bill The Extra Guy That's a level in Super Mario Bros. 3: The Directors Cut. It's available on the Virtual Boy. I'm 100% sure.

Dr. Donez I remember that game! No wait, do I don't. But I think it's from Super Mario Sandathon Mania 2003. I'm 100% sure.

Prof. Executrain So, Ms. Christy, IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME! That game you refer to is called Go Mario Go!: Adventures Through Time and Space. I'm 100% sure.

Captain Churro That's Pong. I'm 100000000000% sure.

SMBhq Staff,

I was wondering where I can find that page that had the best Mario memory about the girl losing her virginity due to a bet she made over a Mario game. There was a direct link to it on the home page a couple of weeks ago, but I haven't been able to find it again since. I also haven't been able to spot it in the Memory archive. So could please tell me exactly where to find it or send me a copy of it because I really liked it. Thanks. By the way, if it isn't too much trouble, could you please respond to my e-mail directly as well as post the response on the site? Thanks again.


Fred The Spanyard Dude, that sounds hot.

Bill The Extra Guy Hey, I thought this was a family friendly site!

Dr. Donez I'll tell you where it is, but you first have to prove to me that you're at least 18 years of age. Or was that 81 years of age. Yeah, that's it. 81 years. Sorry, it's the law.

Prof. Executrain So, Mr. DC, IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME! I have a question for come no one will love me? Am I really that terrible? Sniff... Sob... OH GOD! I'm going to die alone! WAAAA!!!

Captain Churro I have a DC. I use it to microwave my Hot Pockets.

You guys really need to update your merchandise page. There are so may Mario collectibles out there and you only have a small percentage of them. Your website is really good, but it could really use more merchandise. Also, you need more updates on new Mario collectibles. I need to know what's out there!

-Kaptain Koopa

Fred The Spanyard Pft. Make me, punk.

Bill The Extra Guy Meh. I don't work here. I'm just here for the free Cheese Pizza.

Dr. Donez Ah, it's a good thing that you asked this question, for you see, the great Dr. Donez is an expert on the subject of Anti-Matter Jello Cannons. We'll be able to vaporize that country in no time. didn't ask that? And you're not the President??? Um...forget I said anything.

Prof. Executrain So, Mr. Koopa, IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME! You did not ask a question, so I will now MOCK you for an hour. MOCK MOCK MOCK MOCK, I'm tired. This Carb Diet is worth beans.

Captain Churro I'm a Kaptain too!

why don't mario and peach just get married? they're lovesick enough alone?


Fred The Spanyard Mario and Peach won't marry because Peach is more interested in Hot Green Bug Action. That's right, you heard me. Mario's got nothing on this bug.

Bill The Extra Guy They would if Mario could ever figure out how to get out of his house. He's been in there for 3 years now. No one has bothered telling him that his door is open.

Dr. Donez Ah, love. A subject I am an expert on. So please, buy my book, Dr. Donez's Book of Love for only $19.99! Buy now and get some free Donez pogs!

Prof. Executrain So, Mr. LANGLAIS, IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME! God...don't mention love... I'm so depressed. I know what will make me feel better... DESTROYING THE EARTH! AH HA! That's what I'll do! Thanks, Mr. LANGLAIS. Thank you for inspiring me! When I destory the world, I'll give you all of the credit.

Captain Churro I'm in love with my Hot Pockets. They're so good and tastey.

Hey, Jay/Sean? When are you going to finish up the Lord of the Wings? Just because the movie trilogy ended whenever ago and nobody cares about it anymore isn't any reason to stop.

- Robert E Ryan

Fred The Spanyard Pft, beats me. Jay's too damn lazy to finish the last part.

Bill The Extra Guy Plus, Jay smells.

Dr. Donez I like that series, because I get to whack people with a staff.

Prof. Executrain So, Mr. Ryan, IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME! The real reason for the delay in Lord of the Wings is because we ran out of eye-care solution for my eye.

Captain Churro I wish they made a Buffalo Wing flavored Hot Pocket.

Please tell me where the truly secret page is...please do it for all the confused mushroom kids out there!

- Harold Asher

Fred The Spanyard Do you think we should tell him, Bill?

Bill The Extra Guy I donno, he didn't ask very nicely.

Fred The Spanyard Plus, he didn't bribe us.

Bill The Extra Guy Yeah, a bribe would have been nice.

Fred The Spanyard Seriously, how come no one bribes anymore?

Bill The Extra Guy I would have totally told him if he bribed me with corn.

Fred The Spanyard But not that White Corn crap.

Bill The Extra Guy Oh yeah, that stuff sucks.

Dr. Donez Hey! I like White Corn!

Bill The Extra Guy I thought you liked Yellow Corn.

Dr. Donez Um... Hm... Good question.

Prof. Executrain Hey! Will you idiots stop blabing! I want a chance to answer!

Fred The Spanyard Go back to crying under your computer, you loveless loser.

Prof. Executrain How dare you mock me, the Great Prof. Executrain!

Fred The Spanyard Oh, I dare. I double dare.

Bill The Extra Guy Gasp!

Dr. Donez Gasp!

Captain Churro Pickles!

Prof. Executrain It's morphing time!

Fred The Spanyard You can't morph.

Prof. Executrain Yes I can.

Fred The Spanyard Nah uh.

Prof. Executrain Yah huh.

Fred The Spanyard Nah uh.

Prof. Executrain Yah huh.

Fred The Spanyard Nah uh.

Prof. Executrain Yah huh.

Fred The Spanyard Nah uh.

Prof. Executrain You just watch! *Groan* *Gunt* (Face turns read) Ta da! There! I've morphed! Fear my Mega Morphed Form!

Fred The Spanyard Um... You morphed into Britney Spears.

Prof. Executrain Eek!

Bill The Extra Guy Woah.

Dr. Donez That's kind of disturbing.

Bill The Extra Guy Goodnight everyone!

(All NC roles in this April Fools Mailbag written by Jay Resop. The REAL answers will be in the next mailbag)


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